Panic! At the Costco

I named this post like I did for two reasons: 1) Panic! At the Disco is the most ridiculous name for a band, but gets stuck in my head whenever I talk about panic and 2) The first place I ever had a bad anxiety attack was in a supermarket. Several years ago, I was in the UK and I went across the street from the house I was living in to Sainsburys grocery store. I hadn’t been feeling well and within moments of arriving, I knew I was really ill and I had to literally run home. After that, every time I went into the Sainsburys I would get a bad feeling in my stomach and would start to feel nervous. This happened over and over again until I couldn’t even go into any grocery store for fear of getting sick, panicking or both.
One of the things that I said I would mention and update my progress on over these 50 weeks is my anxiety issues. It was an important thing for me to address in a public forum because I think that anxiety attacks and panic disorders of any kind, like most issues within the realm of “mental health” can be so taboo to talk about and are so often so misunderstood. I am a big believer in our body being an entirely connected system and that changing one thing can create a domino effect throughout the rest of the body. I think this works in both positive and negative ways, and I am hoping to see this for myself with tangible changes that come with the positive changes I am making in my life.
Although my digestive issues and other health problems that, in hindsight, were probably connected (eczema, insomnia, mild depression) started when I was really young, I did not develop the extreme anxiety and panic that I deal with now.
The actual event of a panic attack is very hard to describe in real terms and can be impossible for someone who has never experienced this sort of panic to understand. I think that there is a misconception that it is just being really nervous or fearful but that is not the way I experience them. I think one of the key differences is the irrationality that part of your brain acknowledges of how your body is reacting to whatever is causing you to panic. While there are definitely those feelings of nervousness and fear to a degree, there is also the struggle to overcome the back and forth your mind does regarding why you are reacting this way. For me personally, the physical symptoms that I experience during a panic attack are completely debilitating and I have, at times, thought I may actually die because I feel that much pent up nervous energy that I can’t release.
The reason I mention this is because I do know that this energy CAN be released through cardio exercise and I have had success with doing defusing panic with strenuous cardio activity. What had happened was this: I was meant to be going to an appointment out in North Vancouver that had several red “anxiety” flags for me: It meant driving on the highway, driving over a bridge, driving during rush hour and having to drive myself there and back (ie. Adrian was not able to come with me). These are problems that I was expecting to deal with, but the accident that occurred just before the bridge was not. As soon as I could turn out, I did but not before I had experienced a full blown panic attack. I missed the appointment and headed back towards home. That day, I also had an appointment scheduled at my local gym to work out with a trainer. Ordinarily, I would have cancelled this appointment because I was still “coming down” from the panic and felt like a crumbling cookie. I showed up, though, jumped onto the treadmill and put the incline way up and went as fast as I could. Before I knew it, the energy that had been flying around my body in fits of fear were now all being expended by the effort it took to work on the treadmill.
Of course, we all know that jumping on the treadmill and raising your heart rate and sweating it out for a while is good for a lot more than just controlling anxiety. If I were able to do that every day, it would be incredibly helpful for getting off these 50 lbs and I suspect would help with my insomnia as well.
Here is the wrench in the plan: My stomach doesn’t like to do anything that requires any sort of jostling and bouncing or basically effort of any kind. As soon as I start moving and grooving, my stomach starts moaning and groaning and will send me by Xpress Post into the nearest restroom. I have never completed a cardio workout in one go, I always have to stop and take a break. Now, at the gym this isn’t really a huge deal. I get off the machine, disappear for a few minutes, hop back on and nobody’s the wiser (except anyone reading this blog, apparently). In day to day life, though, it proves a bit trickier. If I want to go for a stroll around the neighbourhood, for example, I have to be careful to not take on a hill or anything that will get my stomach going. If I do put it to the test and do indeed feel the “need for speed” in terms of getting back to the comfort of my own little girl’s room, I start to panic. The thought of this being a possibility wriggles around in the back of my mind and causes me to avoid these walks altogether. If I look at going backwards then, do I think that the increase in my anxiety caused me to do less exercise (even though I knew it would help)? Yes, I do. And can I see how, by staying close to home most of the time and avoiding walks outside and the like, this could account for some of my weight gain in the first place? Absolutely. I think that by acknowledging how connected all these issues are, it makes them seem like less of a challenge to take on; When I find the right thread, I will be able to pull it and unravel several issues all at once.
The best way that I have been able to control my anxiety, up until this point, has been avoidance and medication. I want to cut back on both of these, so I will just have to find smaller and more comfortable ways of working on these things until I can see real progress.
If anyone reading this is having issues with anxiety and feels embarrassed or uncomfortable talking to someone about it, please feel free to email me. I may not always have answers, but I definitely think it’s something that having the support of other people who know what you are going through can be really comforting.