Panic! At the Costco

I named this post like I did for two reasons: 1) Panic! At the Disco is the most ridiculous name for a band, but gets stuck in my head whenever I talk about panic and 2) The first place I ever had a bad anxiety attack was in a supermarket. Several years ago, I was in the UK and I went across the street from the house I was living in to Sainsburys grocery store. I hadn’t been feeling well and within moments of arriving, I knew I was really ill and I had to literally run home. After that, every time I went into the Sainsburys I would get a bad feeling in my stomach and would start to feel nervous. This happened over and over again until I couldn’t even go into any grocery store for fear of getting sick, panicking or both.
One of the things that I said I would mention and update my progress on over these 50 weeks is my anxiety issues. It was an important thing for me to address in a public forum because I think that anxiety attacks and panic disorders of any kind, like most issues within the realm of “mental health” can be so taboo to talk about and are so often so misunderstood. I am a big believer in our body being an entirely connected system and that changing one thing can create a domino effect throughout the rest of the body. I think this works in both positive and negative ways, and I am hoping to see this for myself with tangible changes that come with the positive changes I am making in my life.
Although my digestive issues and other health problems that, in hindsight, were probably connected (eczema, insomnia, mild depression) started when I was really young, I did not develop the extreme anxiety and panic that I deal with now.
The actual event of a panic attack is very hard to describe in real terms and can be impossible for someone who has never experienced this sort of panic to understand. I think that there is a misconception that it is just being really nervous or fearful but that is not the way I experience them. I think one of the key differences is the irrationality that part of your brain acknowledges of how your body is reacting to whatever is causing you to panic. While there are definitely those feelings of nervousness and fear to a degree, there is also the struggle to overcome the back and forth your mind does regarding why you are reacting this way. For me personally, the physical symptoms that I experience during a panic attack are completely debilitating and I have, at times, thought I may actually die because I feel that much pent up nervous energy that I can’t release.
The reason I mention this is because I do know that this energy CAN be released through cardio exercise and I have had success with doing defusing panic with strenuous cardio activity. What had happened was this: I was meant to be going to an appointment out in North Vancouver that had several red “anxiety” flags for me: It meant driving on the highway, driving over a bridge, driving during rush hour and having to drive myself there and back (ie. Adrian was not able to come with me). These are problems that I was expecting to deal with, but the accident that occurred just before the bridge was not. As soon as I could turn out, I did but not before I had experienced a full blown panic attack. I missed the appointment and headed back towards home. That day, I also had an appointment scheduled at my local gym to work out with a trainer. Ordinarily, I would have cancelled this appointment because I was still “coming down” from the panic and felt like a crumbling cookie. I showed up, though, jumped onto the treadmill and put the incline way up and went as fast as I could. Before I knew it, the energy that had been flying around my body in fits of fear were now all being expended by the effort it took to work on the treadmill.
Of course, we all know that jumping on the treadmill and raising your heart rate and sweating it out for a while is good for a lot more than just controlling anxiety. If I were able to do that every day, it would be incredibly helpful for getting off these 50 lbs and I suspect would help with my insomnia as well.
Here is the wrench in the plan: My stomach doesn’t like to do anything that requires any sort of jostling and bouncing or basically effort of any kind. As soon as I start moving and grooving, my stomach starts moaning and groaning and will send me by Xpress Post into the nearest restroom. I have never completed a cardio workout in one go, I always have to stop and take a break. Now, at the gym this isn’t really a huge deal. I get off the machine, disappear for a few minutes, hop back on and nobody’s the wiser (except anyone reading this blog, apparently). In day to day life, though, it proves a bit trickier. If I want to go for a stroll around the neighbourhood, for example, I have to be careful to not take on a hill or anything that will get my stomach going. If I do put it to the test and do indeed feel the “need for speed” in terms of getting back to the comfort of my own little girl’s room, I start to panic. The thought of this being a possibility wriggles around in the back of my mind and causes me to avoid these walks altogether. If I look at going backwards then, do I think that the increase in my anxiety caused me to do less exercise (even though I knew it would help)? Yes, I do. And can I see how, by staying close to home most of the time and avoiding walks outside and the like, this could account for some of my weight gain in the first place? Absolutely. I think that by acknowledging how connected all these issues are, it makes them seem like less of a challenge to take on; When I find the right thread, I will be able to pull it and unravel several issues all at once.
The best way that I have been able to control my anxiety, up until this point, has been avoidance and medication. I want to cut back on both of these, so I will just have to find smaller and more comfortable ways of working on these things until I can see real progress.
If anyone reading this is having issues with anxiety and feels embarrassed or uncomfortable talking to someone about it, please feel free to email me. I may not always have answers, but I definitely think it’s something that having the support of other people who know what you are going through can be really comforting.

Wagon? What wagon?

I have fallen off the wagon. From where I am, I cannot even see the wagon.
My old bad habits are proving harder to break than I had hoped and since coming off the detox, I have not been very successful in maintaining healthy habits.
As I have mentioned before, a really bad habit that I have is not eating. I can go all day without eating and not even feel hungry and then eat a whole bunch, late at night, and let it sit in my stomach as I shuffle off to bed. I'm sure that if metabolisms get a score between 1 and 100, I am batting about a 25. Maybe lower, but I don't want to be too pessimistic.
What's frustrating me is this: I know what to do. I know you are supposed to eat every couple of hours, I know about fiber and calories and simple carbs and blah, blah, blah. For some reason, though, I can't follow through on it. I have the knowledge, but not the ability to put it into action.
I don't really want to divulge all the big "no no"s I have committed, but let's just say I even let myself get super hungry and eat from a drive-through.
So tomorrow is a new day and here's hoping I can try to get back on track ASAP. My Weigh In will still come up on Sunday and I am really hoping my bad behaviour won't catch up with me to undo the weight I've lost so far.
I need to do another shopping trip so I can load up on healthy food. I think maybe I need to plan a shopping trip at the same time every week so I always have good food in the house.
Mister Obvious says: These 50 pounds are gonna be really friggin' hard to lose.

Workin' 9-5: What a way to earn a livin'

Tomorrow marks my return to work after being off for the better part of the last 2 weeks because of this infection I've had that's made me so sick.
I am always apprehensive about going back to work after having a period of time off due to illness, but I feel especially anxious about it this time because of the length of time I was away. I am also especially disappointed because, as I noted here on this blog, one of my goals for this New Year was to miss less work due to illness. The thing that poses me the biggest problem is the way it affects my relationships with the people I work with. Unfortunately, there are some bad apples in my fruit basket of colleagues and some rumours of whether or not I am a big ol' faker have been passed around. Knowing that this is the impression the people I spend more time with than my own family have of me is enough to make me never want to show up to work again because, as much as I tell myself that they can jump up their own asses, I can't help but care what other people think of me.
When you've had problems with your health the way I have you start to recognise that there are certain consequences that are going to come along with that. It definitely limits my life in far more ways than just work and I have lost friends and created strained relationships with people in my family because of it. My integrity, however, has never been called into question the way it has at my current position. It doesn't seem to matter how many times my various doctors can provide the information they ask for, they want more and more proof that I'm not staying home to watch day time TV or taking mini holidays. I wish I knew how to seperate myself from it but the truth is that it does hurt my feelings and make me feel a very definite way about some of the people I work with.
I have long suspected that I am not the type of person who is cut out to work Monday-Friday, 9-5 but that it what I have been doing for the last several years. I'd really love to be able to find a job where I could work fewer days and go to school so I could actually (finally!) finish my degree and move on to a career that I actually enjoy. I am always searching for work I can do for fewer days, do partly or entirely from home or have a more flexible schedule but there just isn't very much out there at the moment.
Until I find my dream job, though, I am back to the office. Cubicle, here I come!

Weekly Review and Weigh In: Week 2

It’s amazing how quickly a week can go by when you are asleep for most of it... I have been “resting” as ordered by my doctor, which for me includes many naps and watching old episodes of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”. (Side Note: I am beginning to see why I was so disillusioned by relationships when I was younger consider I based my “true love goal” on that of one between a vampire with a soul and a vampire slayer. I went through a phase last year of watching old episodes of “Dawson’s Creek”, another high school favourite, and came to a similar realization when I watched Pacey give Joey a wall... How I ever thought any regular teenage boys would add up I do not know. But, oh, I do hold a special place in my heart for Angel and Pacey). Last night I went out for the first time to a friend’s Going Away party and got home after midnight. My body was so unimpressed with this “going out” business that I came home and promptly fell asleep.
This week has been tricky and I have been dreading my Weigh In today because I have been doing a whole lot of missing meals and eating thing I definitely wasn’t eating Week 1. I did, however, get on the scale this morning. Before that, here is my Week in Review:

Pats on the back:
- Drank a decent amount of water
- Got lots of rest and got right on antibiotics for infection hiccup
- Spoke to Dr about switching medication for anxiety and am currently trying a new one

Kicks in the Pants:
- Missed a lot of meals
- Did not plan out meals in advance and stick to it
- Did not exercise AT ALL this week

Weigh In: GAINED 0.5 lbs
Overall Progress: LOSS – 7 lbs
Goal at this point: 2 lbs lost (which means I am still ahead by 5 lbs, woo!)

I am actually quite pleased with this as a result. I was concerned that I would gain back all my first week’s progress because I fell off the wagon so much this week in terms of planning, eating regularly and getting in enough nutrients. I suspect that I won’t be so lucky in future weeks if this happens and I’m not toting a nasty infection, so will be very careful in the coming weeks to not undo the progress I have made so far.

Well, isn't that special...

When I was seven years old, I got a stomach ache. In the 20 years since then, my health has fluctuated more than the US dollar and has inspired many Ben Stiller movie-esque scenes of embarrassment. Although I am still not entirely sure WHY my stomach behaves the way it does, I have had 20 years of dealing with its various temper tantrums and... Let’s just call them ‘flash floods’. You would think that one of the benefits of this many years of experience would be a greater knowledge and understanding of my body’s many complaints and that I, like a trained ninja, would know how to deflect and counter each one. To a degree, this is true. My stomach comes at me with feeling super acidy, I expertly counter with extra over the counter antacid with prescription acid reducer, HI-YA! My stomach attacks with sharp pains, I deflect with buscopan and really strong peppermint tea, BLAM! I feel a sneak-attack of grumbling and churning below my belly button, I switch to extreme bland diet and don’t make plans to leave the house that day. I would say about 70% of the time, I know what’s what in terms of my stomach but every so often my body still manages to flummox me. This brings me to what has been happening since my last blog entry. As my loyal readers are aware, I have been dealing with an unhappy stomach since a few days into my detox. My theory was that the super increase of fibre and reduction of soluble (AKA Easy to digest!) carbohydrates had sent my digestive tract into a tizzy that would soon correct itself. The trouble was, my “go to” eating plan for when my stomach is bad and the rules of the detox did not mesh so I had to call it quits on the detox and give my belly a little TLC. Unfortunately, my tried and true tricks did not seem to work and I actually found myself feeling worse. Not only was my stomach playing it’s normal pranks on me, but whole new symptoms were being thrown into the mix. I had a headache, I was dizzy and incredibly nauseous. Being the medical professional that the World Wide Web allows me to be, I decided that I was simply dehydrated and could remedy that myself as well. Unfortunately, this also failed to resolve my issues and I spent all of Sunday night in a cold sweat and shaking like a leaf until I finally got up and took my temperature: 101.8 degrees. Well, now I am confounded. My stomach, for all its quirks and inconsistency, could not cause a fever like that. I took some Tylenol and, since I already had a Dr’s appointment booked for the next day, just tried to get some sleep. Cut to: Me in the shower the next day. Alright, don’t linger too long on that image... As I think I have mentioned before, I got a breast reduction in June of last year. Since then, I have no feeling around where my incision scars are still healing. I noticed that on one side, I looked like I had a major sunburn. It felt hot to touch, but it didn’t hurt... mostly because I couldn’t feel anything. I went to the Dr and told him how I had been feeling and, as an afterthought, mentioned the redness on my chest. He took a look and turns out, I have mastitis cellulitis... or, an infection of breast tissue that can apparently make you quite sick.
That brings me to today: I am on heavy duty antibiotics, my fever and headache are finally subsiding and I am very achy in the chest region. The last few days have been so crappy that I didn’t even feel up to looking at the computer screen long enough to update my blog, which is why I have been radio silent for a bit. Now I am all kinds of curious about what affected my stomach at what point and if there was anything I could have done to avoid this mess. It has also presented me with some challenges regarding my weight loss: I have been so sick that I don’t think I have gotten a lot of nutrition out of the food I have been eating, which hasn’t been much because I’ve been so nauseated. I haven’t been exercising because of this either. I feel Sunday approaching and my Weigh In and I just hope that my big 1st week success won’t be completely gone by the time all this clears out of my system.

Weekly Review and Weigh In: Week 1

My first week on my 50 lbs in 50 weeks challenge has come to an end and I have certainly been through some ups and downs. This week was especially difficult because of the strict Detox I have been on that I have called off 2 days early due to the stress it was causing my touchy tummy. So here is my Week in Review:
Pats on the Back:
- Drank a good amount of water every day
- Stuck to my eating plan of the detox diet, until I ended it early
- Did a lot of cooking and tried out new, healthy recipes

Kicks in the Pants:
- Did not get my 3-5 days of exercise in, mostly due to feeling so poorly
- Fell back into the habit of not eating frequently enough when I wasn't feeling well
- Probably stayed too long on the detox when it obviously wasn't agreeing with me

Originally, I wasn't going to weigh myself until Day 10 but because I have ended the detox early I weighed myself tonight. I will be Weighing In every Sunday for the remainder of the challenge.

Weigh In: LOST 7.5 lbs

Of course, I am pleased with the weight loss but it is hard to feel celebratory when today has been such a struggle. I suspect that the weight loss is due to being so sick, such severely limiting my food intake and water weight loss. I am definitely not expecting this every week!

Day 7: DONE with Detox

At the end of my last post, I stated with determination that I would keep to this detox plan for the full 9 days. A mere one day later I have changed my mind and have now ended my Detox after 7 days. Throughtout this whole week I have not been feeling 100%, but yesterday I was so sick that it was really the last straw. I woke up this morning so dehydrated and sick that I could barely function. It's no wonder I was so dehydrated considering how ill I'd been the day before, but it made me start to re-evaluate what I am doing. In the end, everyday health trumps weight loss goals so I had to give up on all the veggies and fruits and give myself digestive system some well deserved rest.
That is why, on this Sunday evening, I am nibbling on plain rice and sipping ginger tea and just hoping I can keep it down.
Since I finished my Detox, I did weigh myself and my Week In Review (with Weigh In) is on it's way.

Day 6: Getting totally fed up with Detoxing!

When I started the 9-Day Detox (which I believe I may have called a 10-Day Detox in earlier posts, so I will try to find and correct) I thought it would go like this: Days 1-3 would be hell with cravings and such and then, once in the swing of things, would lose the cravings and start to feel like superwoman. Instead, I found it has gone like this: Days 1-3 were not that hard, cravings weren't too bad and I felt like I could carry on the diet for 9 days no problemo. Aside from my stomach issues, which might be a problem on any given day regardless of what I am doing, my body felt fine. Days 4 and 5, however, have been a lot harder. I am getting totally fed up with this detox business and wanted some regular food so badly yesterday I felt like an addict on Intervention before the intervention... I think I literally went through all the stages of grief in about 5 minutes thinking about chocolate. I think I did that about ten times.
I am starting to wonder if, once I am allowed things like cereal and some meat protein, the cravings for the really 'bad' things won't be as bad because I am eating a larger variety of foods.
Food was much the same as it has been the last few days, which the exception of adding some "Yam fries" to the menu at dinner. I made some tzatziki (Low fat plain yogurt (strained), cucumber, garlic, lemon juice) and used that to dip the yams in (Thank you, Arley!). Having the yams was a really nice change and because they feel more "carb-like" I did feel more satisfied after eating them as opposed to the brown rice that I am getting oh-so sick of.
I was doing some research yesterday about this whole "Fat Smash Diet" business because come Day 10, I haven't decided if I will follow that plan or venture out more on my own. There is a lot out there that says the Detox phase is unhealthy, unnecessary and the only reason you lose weight is because of the severe caloric deficiency. When I was feeling fed up, that seemed like someone had thrown me a life preserver but I think I'd feel really shite about not being able to do what I set out to. For right now, I will stick to this 9-Day Detox and just hope that all the food I am missing out on right now will taste that much better once it's over.

Day 5: Ice Cream, Garlic Bread and Popcorn

No no, I didn't eat any of these things today... but I was craving them in a big way. Adrian calls ice cream my "Achilles' Heel" because, if I had the choice, I would literally live off of ice cream. I don't understand people who say they don't like ice cream.. There are like a thousand flavours, who could not like ice cream?? a real mystery...
Anyway, now that I am a few days into this Detox I find myself craving things I don't even eat... Example: Last night, I was watching TV and a commercial for some restaurant food chain that we don't even have in Canada came on, advertising shrimp. I hate shrimp and would never get it at a restaurant and yet if I could have jumped through the TV screen and eaten the shrimp and all the accompaniments, I just might have. Funny that.
After this detox, I will be able to add back in meat (which for me will be poultry, fish and lean red meat) and some other things like cereal and nuts. I am already fantasizing about the first meal I cook with protein that isn't lentils or beans.
Speaking of cooking, all this planning and cooking is getting to be a real pain in the ass. I actually do like cooking, but when you are so limited in what you can cook and have to spend so much time prepping all these fresh veggies... it's not always a joy. I'm sure that as I get more used to it I will find lower maintenance ways to cook with all these veggies but I do miss the days of chicken and pasta. And takeout. :)

Day 5 went pretty well and, other than my stomach still being in full-time revolt, I think I am actually starting to feel a difference from all this clean eating business. I might be imagining, and wishful thinking, it but I will take any small positive and run with it. Especially when I can't have garlic bread.
Other than going to work, I really haven't left the house very much since starting the detox other than for grocery shopping, etc. Last night, we went over to a friend's house and they were just finishing up dinner. We purposely ate at home (veggie stir fry without the oil on brown rice and carrot soup) but it was still hard being around the cheese and crackers and other snacky things that were out. At one point, I felt so hungry that I took them up on their leftover salad and felt much better afterwards. I even left out the things in the salad I wasn't supposed to have like figs and almonds.

AND I finally got my exercising in today, yay me. 30 minutes on the exercise bike, so not exactly Olympic training but I felt good about getting it done. I still need to do two more days to get my three days this week, which means Friday and Saturday.

I give this day a C+... It would have been better if my stomach would calm the hell down and if I wasn't feeling so hungry and cravy (new word, go with it) but still a pass!

Blogosphere Shout Out

My BFF Arley has been writing a blog over at http://youngandhip.blogspot.com for the past several months, chronically her post-op life after a hip replacement. It's mucho hilarious so check it out!!

Day 4

Day 4 went much the same as Day 3. I haven't cheated on the detox diet, but I am still probably not eating as much as I should be. My stomach did a decent job of keeping me up last night, but I felt not too bad this morning.
I had yogurt for breakfast and then had oatmeal and fruit for lunch. I thought I was starting to feel a lot better when my stomach seemed to suddenly turn on me in a big way. I think one of the reasons might have been related to some panic/anxiety I had today. I was unexpectedly left alone to drive out to an appointment in heavy traffic that sent me into panic. Being stuck in traffic is my biggest "anxiety trigger" so I think this may have helped send my stomach into a tizzy.

I had some lentil soup and an orange later in the day.

For dinner, we had my parents for dinner and I served the carrot soup I made last night (served with a dollop of plain, non fat yogurt on top) and then spaghetti squash "noodles" with vegetable stew as the sauce. It was pretty good and my parents didn't seem to mind the "detox" meal, so that was nice.

For a late night snack, I made Pumpkin Pie Smoothies for Adrian and I. It was delicious and so nice to have a "treat"! The recipe is: Low fat vanilla yogurt, canned pumpkin, skim milk, crushed ice and pumpkin pie spice. Yum!

As far as exercise goes... still no dice. At this point, I need to get 30 minutes in every day for the next three days to make my "3 times a week" goal. Bah!

Day 3: Detox Continues

After a very rough night, I started Day 2 of the detox with some apprehension. I'm a crazy worrier so I have to actively stop myself from over thinking everything. I had such a bad morning that I couldn't make it into work. I hate calling in sick to work, it gives me huge anxiety. Unfortunately, it couldn't be avoided and so I am disappointed that one my mini challenges (to miss less work days) isn't going as well as I had hoped. Oh well.
I had oatmeal and skim milk when I got up and then didn't eat again for several hours... I am supposed to be eating every 2-3 hours, but I felt so gross that I couldn't eat anything else. I hope that the non-eating won't affect my weight loss.
Later, I had: brown rice, lentil soup, an orange, a small salad (basically just mixed greens), 2 clementines and a yogurt. Spread out over the rest of the day, obviously.
I made some carrot soup with roasted butternut squash that I haven't tried yet, but it smelled good so I look forward to trying it Day 4.
Hubby and I had planned to go for dinner with my parents Wednesday night and I started to realize how tricky it was going to be to eat out at a restaurant during this detox phase. I invited my parents to come to our house instead so that I can control the food situation. I roasted some spaghetti squash and took all the "noodles" out and am planning to serve it with a vegetable stew I made in the slow cooker. I don't know if this will seem like enough to non-detoxers though, so I might have to go out and get some bread or something else for my parents.
I watched "The Biggest Loser" again tonight and it reminded me that I need to get off my ass and start doing some exercise... One of my biggest challenges will be making myself do the work when I am feeling crappy.
So, overall not a perfect day but not horrible. I didn't feel hungry at all, but I don't know how much that was to do with an upset stomach.
Adrian, by the way, has been doing really well. His stomach is a tad upset but it doesn't seem to bother him much. He thought he'd made a good choice by eating a bunch of vegetable sushi rolls at work yesterday until I told him white rice wasn't allowed... Whoops.

When Day 2 turned to Night 2...

Well, Day 1 went pretty well but Night 1 was a whole other story. When I went to bed I wasn't feeling great and it got worse throughout the night. My stomach is definitely not coping well with all this fibre and without the "cushion" of more gentle carbs. I felt really uncomfortable all night and couldn't get to sleep AND I had to get up every few hours to pee... Guess that means I am drinking enough water!
I am hoping that if I keep up the diet, my body will adjust and my stomach will get on board. Otherwise, I will be a very tired lady!

Day 2: Detox Begins!

So although today is Day 2, it is technically Day 1 of the Detox. Today was one of those days where I had to pry myself out of bed and ignore all the semi-conscious thoughts of why I didn’t have to get up, “I’m sure they won’t notice if I just don’t go to work… I probably set my alarm wrong and it’s still the middle of the night…” Then my alarm went off for the second time and I sprang out of bed, realizing I had precious little time to get my ass in gear and get to work on time. I packed my little lunch bag and off I went, into the yucky, rainy day.

I had 1 cup of oatmeal (1 cup COOKED… I realized some time ago that 1 cup uncooked gives you a helluva lot of oatmeal…) with ½ cup of skim milk and a Clementine for breakfast at around 8. Those tiny clementines are tasty little fruits (Oh the jokes…). At around 11, I had a yogurt and another Clementine. I spent a good part of the morning doing the nodding dog (Side Note: One of my favourite things is when my Labrador actually does the nodding dog while he’s sitting up. I am thinking it’s less cute when I do it at work). No caffeine allowed, though, so I powered through on sheer will… and all the work I had to do.

For lunch (around 1 pm) I had a cup of brown rice and some of the veggie chili I made last night. The chili was pretty good but the best part was the rice: I was really worried about eating all this brown rice because normally I am really not a fan, but it was pretty tasty. I cooked it in 1/2 vegetable broth and 1/2 water, which may have helped. I also had some grapes.
I brought snacks with me because I was worried about getting hungry, but I didn't even eat all of them. I had some raw veggies in the afternoon and that was it.
When I came home I was still really tired and ended up drifting off while I was reading a book. When I woke up, it was the first time all day I had felt hungry.

We had a green salad and the Crockpot Lentil soup I made last night for dinner. The soup, which is something I've never made before, was surprisingly good. I think it was a perfect meal for such a gross, rainy day. I had a clementine after dinner.

I can still have more rice so if I feel hungry in the next hour or so, I might have a little bit. I also have another yogurt, 2 cups of herbal tea and another cup of skim milk that I am allowed. I might have some Rooibos tea with milk before bed.

So Day 1 of the Detox was a success - I made it through the day without feeling like I was starving or any major stomach upsets. My stomach is being quite vocal, probably about all the fiber, but seems to be keeping it together.
Stay tuned for Day 2!

Day 1: Cooking and Prep Day

Alright, here we go: Day 1 of my 50 lbs in 50 weeks Challenge.
I am feeling a little intimidated by the 50 lb goal because it seems like such a lot of weight to lose, but I am going to try and just think of it in increments of 5 lbs. Then I just have to do that 10 times... oy... :)

Originally, I was going to use today as Day 1 of my detox but I have decided to move that to tomorrow and to do a bunch of prep today. I have drafted out my eating plan and will be cooking and preparing as much of the food today as I can so the next 5 days at work go as smoothly as possible. Once I get everything prepped, I will post my meal plan for the week and what I got at the grocery store.

Today I had a cinnamon bun for breakfast (not good, I know!), some yogurt and fruit for lunch and will be having Potato Salmon cakes (grilled salmon, potatoes, onions and dill... they are pretty healthy) with salad for dinner. Tomorrow will be a very different story!

Update:

So it's nearly 10:30 and my house smells like simmering veggies and spices.
I went out today and split my grocery shopping into three trips: Costco, Produce Market and Safeway. At all three stores, I spent a total of $180.
My grocery list was:
Costco:
Oranges, Oats, Clementines, Spring Mix, Butternut Squash, Asparagus, Celery, Mushrooms, Carrots, Lemons, Brown Rice, Pam cooking spray, Skim Milk, eggs, Canned corn niblets and Yogurt
Produce:
Bananas (for hubby, I'm allergic), Red grapes, Zucchini, Garlic, Red cabbage, Spaghetti squash, Onions, cucumber and tomatoes.
Safeway:
Canned pumpkin, Chickpeas, Black beans, kidney beans, lentils and vegetable broth.

There were other things I needed for the recipes I found that I already had in my cupboards, like canned tomatoes.


Tonight, I made a vegetable chili, a lentil soup and prepped some other veggies. I was planning on making a carrot soup as well, but I got too tired. Before I go to bed, I want to pack a bunch of things to take with me to work tomorrow.
I plan to start off every day with Oatmeal with Skim milk and a small piece of fruit.

It's funny, after we got home and I saw that I had a few followers and all this cooking to do I suddenly felt really overwhelmed. Now that I have put it out there that my goal is 50 lbs, it seems all the more daunting. With all the things I wanted to make, the bags and bags of vegetables I rarely cook with was also freaking me out a little bit. I feel a lot better now that I've got some things done and plan on doing some more when I finish work tomorrow.

Here we go: 10 Day Detox!

As I mentioned before, the first part of my Weight Loss plan is a 10 Day Detox. I can't take any credit for this detox, however, as I am copying it from the "Fat Smash Diet". You can probably find out quite a bit about the FSD online, but if you are interested the book is pretty small and I got it super cheap on amazon.com.
Here is a general outline, though:

For 10 days you have to eliminate food like simple carbs, all meat products, sugar and artificial sweeteners, and most fat. The book gives you a list of what you CAN eat, which includes:
- Any fruits or vegetables, except potatoes and avocados
- 2 cups of brown rice per day
- Beans, tofu and lentils
- 2 cups of low fat/skim milk per day
- 1 cup Oatmeal per day
- 6 oz. low fat yogurt (2 times per day)
- 4 egg whites
- 2 cups herbal tea
And, of course, as much plain water as you want.

I have made up a meal plan based on these and will try to stick as closely to it as possible. One of my biggest challenges is not forgetting to eat and making sure I am having something every couple of hours. I'll share what I've been eating once I get it all typed out.

Now, in the book it says to be doing 30 minutes of exercise 5 times per week. I am aiming for 3-5 times because I feel like 5 might be a bit ambitious and I don't want to feel like I'm failing right off the bat. I will try for 5, but will be happy if I get at least 3 for right now.

Eating for the Earth

One more thing to introduce before I get down to the nitty gritty...
Eating for environmental sustainability.
For the last little while I have been wanting to figure out how to be more environmentally savvy regarding food. I have been doing some research recently on how to eat more seasonally, locally and organically. There are quite a few websites that can help you out with this depending on the area you live, but one I found particularly interesting and helpful is the 100 Mile Challenge website:
http://100milediet.org/
There are a lot of great resources on there, I definitely recommend checking it out.
The other recommendation I have is a documentary called "Food, Inc" about the Food Industry in the US and the "behind the scenes" things going on with food production, etc before it hits the grocery store shelves. It's a really interesting movie and definitely gives you something to think about. The website for their movie is:
http://www.foodincmovie.com/

Throughout this process I will be doing my best to support the environment through my grocery shopping, etc from the Vancouver area. I have already discovered some farmer's markets I didn't know about and things like local organic cheeses and things. I have also found that it should get a lot easier in the summer because so much more produce is available locally than it is during the next few months.

Food for thought!

The Plan!

So the moment we have all (shut up, I am going to pretend I have followers until I actually have followers and then they'll feel included when they go back to read the earlier entries... Or I won't get any followers and I'm just a sad, sad girl. ;)) been waiting for is right around the corner.
Tomorrow marks the first day of my 50 weeks to lose 50 lbs. As promised, here is the plan I intend to follow:
(Please note: As I go along, I may make changes to what I am doing and will update then... this is just a basic idea of what I have so far).

FOOD:
Stage 1 - Detox Phase!
I personally don't buy into a lot of the "detox" stuff that's out there and think that if you are going to take on any kind of detox, you should really do your research first. The fact is that our body does it's own detox and some any chemicals or hot pepper drinks or whatever are not going to really do us any good... HOWEVER...
I am going to follow the Phase I Detox of the "Fat Smash Diet" for a couple of reasons:
1 - I am a big time sugar addict. I know that if I have to cut out all sugar COMPLETELY for 10 days, I won't crave it like I do now. When I've tried to just cut back on sweets in the past, it's been my downfall and cutting things out completely seems to make that easier.
2 - It will get me into the habbit of planning out my meals more carefully and since it's super strict, will only get easier once the ten days are up.
3 - I like the idea of jump starting your body with a bunch of whole, nutritious foods that will tell your body, "Hey look... we're doing something different now, deal with that digestive tract!"
4 - The structure of it will be good for me, I think. With the kind of "eat anything you want" Weight watchers type diets, I always go too far.. or just don't eat.
5 - It was featured on the "Celebrity Fit Club" and I believe everything I see on TV. Just kidding.

I will outline what this phase means in another post.

After the Detox, I am going to gradually add back in foods that I wasn't allowed on the detox like animal protein, etc. What I really want to focus on is eating food that benefits the enviroment and will be doing a lot of research into eating locally, seasonally and organically. At this point, I am still planning on eating meat (chicken, beef and fish) but will be aiming for all organic, free range products. I will also continue to try to educate myself on the best way to "eat clean" in my life so that I can eliminate a lot of the preservatives and other crap that is in so much food that I eat now.
Until I can do it without thinking, I will work off of calories and limit myself to a certain number per day. I will also aim to meet certain nutritional values (eg. calcium).

EXERCISE:
Oh God, I hate exercise. I always have. You won't be seeing me take on P90X in the next 50 days, I can guaruntee you that.
I do have a gym membership but the hours suck and, because I hate exercise, I always find reasons not to go.
What I think will be easier is that my husband bought my a recumbent exercise bike for my birthday back in October. I use it sporatically, but I will build myself an actual exercise plan.
For the first 10 days, while I am "detoxing", I will aim to do 30 minutes of cardio 3-5 timesper week. I figure 3 will be plenty in the beginning and, as I get into the habbit, will increase to 5. Once I am past the ten days, I'd like to be able to maintain at least 30 minutes 5 times per week. I may increase this later and I will add in strength training.
The other thing I'd like to do is to start regularly taking my dog out for a walk at the same time every day. I need to decide if I should do this solo as soon as I get in from work or wait and do it with hubby after dinner when he'll be home too.
As I get my exercise plans on track, I will update to exactly what I am doing and how it's going.

Off to do some healthy food shopping!

The Skinny on being... Well, Not So Skinny!

From my vast knowledge of overweight people (from watching "The Biggest Loser") it seems like there are two types of people that are overweight/obese in their adulthood:
1) They have always been overweight. Even pictures of them at 10 years old showed a chubby little kid who never "grew out of it". It seems like with a lot of those people, after highschool or college the weight just keeps piling on until they are in a state of "Oh my god!".
2) They were never overweight growing up and then at some point, teenage years, college, after having kids they end up packing on the pounds. Sometimes it happens after a traumatic event and it gets credited to emotional eating, sometimes it just seems like their lifestyles make it easy to overeat, not be active enough and then voila...

I personally fit into category 2. I was pretty skinny when I was growing up and because of all the problems I've had with my stomach since I was 8 or 9, I would lose weight when I'd get sick. Then in high school and college, I'd say I was prety average. I wasn't overweight at all, but definitely thought I'd like to be skinnier. Having said that, I don't remember any girls in high school who didn't want to be skinnier...
In 2002 I moved to England (where I met my now-husband) and without trying, or even really realizing it, I lost abotu 20 lbs. I was down to about 120lbs. I was working long days in a pub, running around all day and I didn't have a car so I had to walk everywhere. I can't say my eating was perfect (or close to it) but I do remember being broke enough that we weren't exactly eating out at fine restaurants on a regular basis.
Then I got sick again, and when I say sick... Wowza. My stomach got so bad that even a glass of water that was too cold would send me running for the restroom. Not a pretty picture. So, I lost more weight. I got down to about 115lbs before I stopped weighing myself. I was so sick and started to get so anxious about getting sick that it was about this time that I started getting panic attacks. I remember joking to a friend at the time back in Canada that I was the skinniest I'd ever been, but I felt too sick and was too nervous to go out and show it off.

After months of this, I finally got in to see a good Gastroenterologist who discovered part of the reason I was sick was I was on the entirely wrong medication and gave me some other things that were to help. Suddenly, I could eat. And eat I did! I would say I was still eating really healthy at the time (anything with fat in it freaked me out because it was so hard to digest) but I still managed to put on 30 lbs in about 2 months. I was still pretty happy because I was eating and not as sick and just assumed that because I had only been averaging about 400 calories a day prior to this, my body was just storing everything I ate until it realised we weren't in starvation mode anymore.
Unfortunately, it didn't stop there. I steadily put on more and more weight and started running out of excuses for why my body was storing all this fat... I was just getting fat.
I got sick again but this time, the weight didn't come off. It didn't seem to matter if I didn't eat, ate super healthy or ate all the crap in the world...I was still sick, and still fat.
That brings us to now. My eating habbits are definitely not good. I don't eat a lot of the really "big bad" foods, but I definitely don't eat frequently enough and I'm sure I'm not getting proper nutrition. I partly blame the lethargy of feeling sick and anxious on not better planning my meals and stocking my house with good food, but I plan to address all that over the next 50 weeks as well.
So here's the thing... I weigh more now that I ever have and I hope this is the most I ever weigh and I never am this big again. And it sucks. Having grown up thinner and putting on the weight fairly quickly has really brought to my attention how different my body feels:
My feet hurt. All the time. I've always had sore feet after standing all day and I could ever only last about 10 minutes in heels, but now it's a lot more extreme. If I go to the mall and walk around for an hour, my feet are in agony.
And the lack of cardio is a real pain in the ass... Like walking up three flights of stairs at work will leave me winded for a good 2 minutes. That's not good. Worse than that, if getting up off the couch seems like it's getting hard enough to do that you decided NOT to do whatever it is that getting up required... Not good. Not good at all.
Just being bigger all around is hard too... It makes doing really simple things like shaving your legs and painting your toenails more awkward. Not impossible, I'm not that far along, but enough that I notice more "in the way" than there should be.
Then of course there is clothes. When I was 140lbs and typically a size Medium, clothes shopping was still a pain in the ass. Finding a good pair of pants at any size is tricky. When you are a size 18, finding ANYTHING that doesn't look like you're either wearing a tent or busting at the seams is nearly impossible. Add to that the horrible pastels and patterns that designers put out there for "Plus Size" clothing... Yes, I might be bigger than some of the other women out there but I still want to look like I'm in my 20's... And it's still 2010. Why is that Plus Size clothes are still in the 90s?
Of course, those are just SOME of the physical challenges are being bigger. The other, and I'm sure the harder for some people, are the emotional/mental challenges. For a long time, because I had been thinner and had been out of the country for so long, I didn't even want to go out and let people see that I had ballooned out the way I had. I was embarassed to let even my friends see me at first, which can make you feel pretty crappy about yourself. Add to that a mother who has actually given you something called "Fat Blaster pills" as a gift and not so subtle hints about your weight and your self esteem takes a pretty good hit. On top of all of that, I'd be lying if I said my weight gain hasn't affected my relationship with my husband. He loves me, sure.. but he doesn't really want to jump my bones like he did when I was 130lbs. All of that just doesn't make a girl feel real special... And then when that makes me sad, it's even harder to get off my ass and do something about it.

To conclude... being fat sucks. It hurts, makes you feel bad and isn't healthy. It's hard, losing weight is hard and keeping weight you lose off is hard. Damnit, I'm in for a hell of a 50 weeks.

Will I be a big loser?

I am a reality TV junkie and one of my favourite shows is "The Biggest Loser". I liked the show long before I actually really needed to lose weight myself, but unfortunately I became one of those people who sits on the couch and watches OTHER people get healthier.

Hopefully watching this season of the show will give me little reminders and motivation to keep going. Even though I am optimistic about being able to lose some weight, I certainly don't expect to see those kinda crazy numbers... But maybe watching someone else dropping 19 lbs in a week will get my ass in gear!!

Misery loves company

Another update to my little challenge: Now my husband has gotten on board.
He has actually been working really hard the last month or so to get back into shape. He has been running and joined a local martial arts class because he used to be into Tae Kwon Do in a big way.
When I told him about my "50 in 50" plans, he said he'd like to do it with me... Not the pounds of weight loss, but the diet and stuff.
I'm a little unsure about him joining in... On the one hand, it's always nice to have someone to do this kind of thing with and it is especially handy that we live together. It makes meals and all that easier, definitely.
On the other hand, we have tried to do these sort of things together in the past without success. We joined a gym together, did our own little "Weight Watchers" together but one of us always quits and then the other quickly follows. I don't want him to quit and make it harder for me to continue alone, but I also don't want to be a bad influence on him in case I screw it up. Hopefully that will just be one more motivation, I suppose.
Just another thing I'll have to wait and see how it goes!

Water, water everywhere... but can't be assed to drink.

Well, Happy New Year everyone!
It is officially 2010 and I continue to get ready for my "Lose 50 in 50" challenge.
I have a more detailed plan for once I actually START my challenge, but I figure maybe I can ease my way into it by making little changes now.
One of the universal agreements between all the different weight loss and healthy living plans is how important it is to drink enough water.
I actually really like water and used to drink enough water but have gotten out of the habit, so that is my first mini goal: Drink enough water.
The standard is normally drink 8 glasses of water per day, but I found - during my last "get healthy" kick - that there is actually a calculation for how much water you should take in every day, based on your weight. Now that I have looked into it a little more, it looks like there are quite a few theories out there... Some say divide your weight in pounds by 2, and drink that many ounces per day. Others say multiply your weight in pounds by 2/3, and drink THAT many ounces per day.
Either way, it looks like you should AT LEAST drink half your body weight in ounces... So if 8 ounces of water is a glass, this may be more or less than the 8 glasses normally recommended.
So I am not ready to disclose my weight in this blog yet, but let's just say I have quite a bit of water to drink.
There are lots of tips online for how to drink more water, but I think I just need to get into the habit of it.

Anyway, there we go. I'll report back in along the way about how it's going.

Back to work tomorrow after Christmas holidays... Oh, joy.